


Shame

by Kurohitenshi



Series: Secret Sorrow [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, De-aging, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Season/Series 04, Secrets, Self-Harm, Slash, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-21 06:38:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1541288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurohitenshi/pseuds/Kurohitenshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin has always been cheerful, with big bright smiles. It doesn't mean that he doesn't feel the pressures and agonies of the past and present. As the reality of Arthur's marriage sinks in and the feeling that he had failed destiny grows ever stronger, something deep inside him breaks. Once in awhile, he finds a way to cope with his secrets.</p><p>Set a little after Arthur and Gwen's wedding in Season 4.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shame

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All characters are the property of BBC. This is merely a work of fiction.

Destiny was not working out. Or perhaps, it simply couldn’t meet the expectations that Merlin had set too high. Perhaps the old dragon underneath the castle had simply been mad with the ramblings of destiny, trapped as it had been for decades.

It has been seven years since Merlin had arrived in Camelot and countless changes have already come to pass. A king had fallen, a lady lost, men have been knighted, and countless friends have gone on to the next world. The golden era has arrived and with it a noble king and his new bride.

But for Merlin, very little has changed.

It’s not that Merlin sought to be recognized. He was happy to serve Arthur. Until the very end, he would be happy to serve Arthur.

It was just that –

“Merlin, where’s my red shirt? You were late again this morning! You can’t keep a lady waiting! I may be used to your level of service but I do expect better from you, with regards to the queen. Merlin, did you hear me?”

Merlin smiled, bright as always, although it didn’t reach his eyes. He arranged the breakfast dishes on the table, nodding politely at Guinevere. “I’m sorry for being tardy, my lady.”

“That’s alright, Merlin.” Gwen replied, a small smile on her lips as she picked her fork up daintily. “How are you?”

“I’m alright. And you?” Merlin said, pouring water in the golden goblets.

She smiled broadly, describing the latest trials and adventures that befitted her station, from two-faced courtiers, festival plans, invitations to balls, and other royal duties.

Merlin nodded with a small smile, although he was barely listening as he went to fetch Arthur’s favourite red shirt from the wardrobe and assist him in putting it on. It was always uncomfortable being here so early in the morning with the newlywed couple, as if he was an intruder when a few weeks ago, this had felt like home.

“Is there anything else that you need?” Merlin asked as Arthur sat at the table.

“Do you have somewhere to be?” Arthur replied back, as if there was nowhere else more important for Merlin to be than right there, in that room that seemed to be too small to fit three people, most of all Merlin.

Merlin frowned. “Gaius – ”

“I’m sure he has other duties to attend to, darling.” Gwen said, thankfully aiding Merlin in his intended retreat. “Isn’t that right, Merlin?”

“Yes,” Merlin said, giving her a small thankful smile. “I’m sure your wife could take care of your needs for a few hours while I assist Gaius this morning. I’ve already set out your notes for the council meeting. I will be back before noon to serve your lunch.”

“Where are you off to then?” Arthur asked curiously, as he bit on a hunk of bread.

“I have to see some patients in the lower town.” Merlin said with a shrug.

“Off you go then.” Arthur said with a wave of his hand before focusing his eyes on his wife, a bright smile on his face.

Merlin breathed a sigh of relief as he exited the room, absent-mindedly nodding to the familiar man who was on guard duty that morning as he did so.

∞∞∞

It took great skill to get to this part of the city for it wasn’t everyday when a high-profile servant of the castle would be seen within its depths. Merlin had started coming here a little before the royal wedding.

Close to the city’s walls but difficult to find because one has to traverse numerous alleys that twisted and turned, the coveted building was shrouded in near darkness, hidden behind the odious meat slaughterhouse.

The building, a sad grey crumbling structure, was very shabby but had three floors, used as a sort of semi-permanent inn by people who would not be accepted elsewhere: criminals and murderers, thieves and barbarians. When he finally stepped inside the building, Merlin climbed the narrow creaky stairs to the topmost floor until he came to the door of the last room. He knocked just once then let himself in. Only when he was inside that room and had shut the door did he lower his black cloak’s hood, revealing golden eyes to the other person in the room.

There was a man sitting in that dark, damp room that was unlike any other man Merlin had met.

“Gladiator.” Merlin nodded his head in greeting, controlling his magic so his eyes turned back to blue. 

“You’re late,” the man said, snorting as he looked at Merlin up and down. “Monster.”

Merlin felt a guilty thrill at hearing his nickname. He walked forward to stand before the man, trying in vain to not show emotion on his face.

The gladiator was Marius, a man from a foreign land, with short black hair shaved close to the skin, bearded, dark of skin with numerous scars, broad with battle-hardened muscles, and at least a foot taller than him. When they’d first met at the tavern weeks ago, the man had given his life’s synopsis proudly as if he had nothing to be ashamed of. Marius had been alive for almost forty decades, born in a warrior tribe, then growing up as a river pirate who raped and pillaged in a southern continent, then as a slave smuggler, then as a slave himself who toiled the wheat fields close to Gaul. Before the fall of the Roman Empire, he’d been a gladiator who conquered lions and crushed human skulls with bloodthirsty glee. And today, he was Merlin’s salvation.

“Show me your shame, monster.”

The spell was so easy now – it had the same principles as changing himself to become his other alter ego, the old man. The first few times, Merlin had turned back time so that he looked no older than the fifteen year old boy he’d been when he first arrived in Camelot. Lately, he’d gotten bolder, taking away another year, then two more, then three.

Today, he looked no more than a boy child, his clothes and the cloak around him so loose that it was easy enough to tug them off. The cloak came first, billowing down to the dusty wooden floor, followed by boots and socks that were kicked off to the side. Then off came the britches and the smalls that were already falling anyway, followed by the old brown leather jacket, red neckerchief, and blue linen tunic.

As Merlin stood there, naked from head to toe, face flushed with shame, he watched the man watch him back. The gladiator was studying his face without a trace of emotion before his eyes drifted very slowly downward, to his neck that still had his old bites, and limbs that were still bruised with handprints.

“I’ve conquered boys like you before,” the man said, his voice low. “But you’re the only one that enjoys it so much. Who keeps coming back for more...”

The gladiator eyed his reddened nipples, which had been bitten so hard the last time, the mark of teeth were still imprinted on them. And then his eyes glanced down to his hips, which were bruised so much that you could hardly see the paleness beneath the purple.

“Tell me what you want, little monster.” Marius said, looking finally at the small cock that stood erect, betraying the shame of the boy it belonged to.

“You.” Merlin finally choked out, something in his heart clenching, and something in him dying a little even as he welcomed this release.

The gladiator grinned then, a dark, feral smile that showed off white teeth.

As Merlin turned around and went on all fours, presenting his arse and parting his cheeks to show the man his pink, already wet and prepared hole, he held his breath as he stared at the cracks of the stone wall opposite him.

‘Am I a monster?’ he’d once asked someone.

As the impossibly thick swollen cock forced its way inside his young, wet, tight hole, Merlin couldn’t hold back the scream. The man let him control himself first even as Merlin scrambled on the dirty wooden floor, fingers trying vainly to find purchase in the dust. It hurt. It hurt even after he’d prepared himself before he came here. It always hurt in the beginning but he was always certain that it would get better afterwards so he tried his best to relax himself, to loosen his clench.

“You deserve this,” the man whispered hotly in his ear as he started thrusting his cock in and out without mercy, large fingers digging into Merlin’s hips painfully, adding even more bruises.

“Yes,” Merlin said, as the agony made way for a sudden burst of pleasure amidst the discomfort as something inside was hit. He felt his stiff cock bouncing against his abdomen, in time with the thrusts from behind.

“Ten of your kind died this week,” came the accusation against his neck before he was bitten so forcefully that he was sure that his skin broke. The man licked the same spot and it stung. “And you know you could have prevented that.”

Merlin shut his eyes tightly at the agony that lanced his heart, pressing his cheek down against his forearm on the floor as he tried to keep his hips canted up, steady and still against the barrage. He parted his legs wider to accommodate the massive African cock that was piercing his abused little hole. It felt good that he felt so debased, a boy that ached to be used this way by a powerful stranger that could kill him at any moment. And he knew that he deserved every second of it.

“So weak,” came a growl against his shoulder as two fingers started rubbing his little cock, making him moan shamelessly. “Slut.”

And suddenly, his small frame was pulled up with arms under both his knees so that his bare back was pressed against the hard torso behind him. Like before, he was brought and presented at the mirror at the corner of the room, legs spread wide against a thin, pale childish body, his tiny cock stiff and leaking with a clear fluid against an open thigh and his pink hole stretched so obscenely around a massive black cock. The man kept moving him up and down, thrusting in and out of him as Merlin tried to hold back the traitorous idea that Arthur could have been doing this to him instead of the murderous gladiator from a fallen empire.

“Go on,” the man whispered as he licked the shell of an ear. “Finish yourself.”

Biting his lip, Merlin could hardly prevent himself from moaning as he touched himself, one hand wrapping around his cock, and another rolling a nipple with his fingers. He timed it all at the same time, the delicious twist against a nub, the rubbing of a thumb against the wet slit of his penis, and the man’s cock hitting hard against the sensitive bundle of nerves deep inside him.

Could Arthur even do this? The man was so noble. The thought, the idea – of this.

Of sodomizing Merlin this way.

Of even learning that Merlin loved being debauched this way when Arthur was the very definition of chivalry, and a married man at that!

“Look at you,” the man jeered against his cheek, his rough stubble making Merlin squirm.

As Merlin saw himself once again in the mirror, all spread out and fucked out as he touched himself shamelessly, cheeks red and with unshed tears at the corner of his eyes – 

He felt himself let go and release with a high-pitched cry, clear fluid coating his chest and his belly and his whole body tensing as his wet hole clenched even tighter against the cock moving inside it.

The man continued fucking him and would do so for a while, long after Merlin’s cock was soft and became even smaller, bouncing helplessly with every movement. He’d remain there, holding Merlin before the mirror like a toy, forcing him to watch how much he enjoyed being conquered by a man of power.

After what seemed like hours, after a powerful thrust and with a grunt, the gladiator finally reached his climax, coming inside Merlin. And slowly, after panting against Merlin’s hair for a brief moment, he pulled Merlin up from his still-hard cock almost with care, thick white come trailing stickily from the gaping pink hole.

“Look at that,” the man said, a smirk on his lips as he too watched come dribble out from the tiny, fucked-out hole. “You’ll go back to serve your king with my come still dripping from your hole, won’t you?”

Merlin shook his head wildly as he was finally lowered. He stood with shaky legs and made his way to the pile of clothing as quickly as he could, throwing on his clothes even as he turned himself back to his normal age with a hurried spell. He put the cloak’s hood back on as he threw a small bag of coins to the man who sat once more on the bed.

“When will you see me again?” the man had the gall to ask.

“I’ll contact you.” Merlin mumbled as he walked to the door as normally as he could, not even looking back at the man. “Don’t ever contact me.”

His eyes flashed gold again so that his words would definitely be followed. Once he exited the room, he found himself running away in haste, knowing that he was leaving behind the true but secret part of himself, the one that burned in shame. 

The monster.

∞∞∞

“Roast duck, potatoes, carrots, and gravy.” Merlin said cheerfully as he served lunch for the king. “And the finest red wine in all of Camelot.”

“What’s gotten into you?” Arthur asked as he chewed heartily on his potatoes. “You’re too happy. Anything interesting happen before lunch?”

Merlin smiled but said nothing as he moved about the room stiffly, fixing this and that, and tidying whatever little messes he could find.

“Is it about Gwen? Still not used to seeing her with me in my room?”

“Absolutely not.” Merlin said with a grin even as his heart clenched, leaning down to pick up a pillow and placing it back on the bed. He moved to open the window, so as to let the fresh air in.

“And why are you walking with a limp?”

“I tripped earlier. You know me, clumsy as always.” Merlin said, laughing self-deprecatingly.

“Merlin,” Arthur said, his chin resting on a hand as he studied Merlin closely.

“Yes?” Merlin said, turning around so he could give Arthur his best cheerful face.

“Something’s changed?”

“Never,” Merlin replied in a teasing voice, a familiar humour in his countenance that always vanquished Arthur’s doubts. “The world may change. Everyone may change. But the one thing in life that will never change is me. And that’s why you like me. Right, Arthur?”

Arthur shook his head, rolling his eyes.

“You’re an idiot, Merlin.”


End file.
